Leo Tolstoy once wrote, “What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.”
No matter how alike two people in a couple are, there are always differences. These differences, complementary in the beginning, wreak havoc when the high of new love recedes and the realities of negotiating everyday life pull and tug at individuals. Suddenly the charm of laid back and chill seems irresponsible and lazy. Highly motivated and on the ball can turn to uptight and controlling. In time, the two individuals fruitlessly try to change one another which only leads to escalating battles of defend and attack. Emotional wounds are inflicted in these bloody battles and then as a last resort to hold the relationship together, a call is made to a marriage counselor.
The essential task in couples counseling is teasing out the differences people can live with versus fundamental differences that cannot be tolerated. The latter are rare. Usually when a couple presents at the first session, they are engaged in trying to change the other person. Each partner wants me to understand that s/he is right and the other wrong. This kind of framework never leads to closeness, only frustration and anger. The most common undercurrent in this disconnection is personalizing differences: A certainty that their spouse is acting out against them rather than having a personality and style of behaving which is different and sometimes, incomprehensible.
Individuals fear being steam-rolled and stuck in a state of weakness — powerless to get their needs satisfied. They can often expand their perspective when someone outside the family system helps them take a step back. In therapy, individuals learn to see their partners for who they are, reminded of the lovable traits they once fell in love with as well as given tools for accepting the more challenging quirks which are often overlooked during the high of dating and romance. Therapy focuses on how to tolerate the attributes you would rather do without and how to take care of the needs of both individuals, rather than attempting to change a person’s fundamental way of being. Ultimately when people are not feeling criticized and are understood and valued for who they are, they are much more likely to compromise and give to the other person.
It is always better to seek out help sooner than later. The best part of pain is it usually grabs attention and propels people to get the help that they need. Unattended pain usually continues to worsen over time. Couples lost in their own confusion and battles lash out and sustain wounds that become harder to heal the longer they wait. If you find yourselves just repeating the same things to one another, going round and round without any forward movement, don’t stay stuck hurting each other. Seek an intervention that can help you get unstuck and enjoy one of the most important relationships in your life.