Differences in THE DUO

Leo Tolstoy once wrote, “What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.”

No matter how alike two people in a couple are, there are always differences. These differences, complementary in the beginning, wreak havoc when the high of new love recedes and the realities of negotiating everyday life pull and tug at individuals. Suddenly the charm of laid back and chill seems irresponsible and lazy. Highly motivated and on the ball can turn to uptight and controlling.  In time, the two individuals fruitlessly try to change one another which only leads to escalating battles of defend and attack.  Emotional wounds are inflicted in these bloody battles and then as a last resort to hold the relationship together, a call is made to a marriage counselor.

The essential task in couples counseling is teasing out the differences people can live with versus fundamental differences that cannot be tolerated. The latter are rare. Usually when a couple presents at the first session, they are engaged in trying to change the other person. Each partner wants me to understand that s/he is right and the other wrong. This kind of framework never leads to closeness, only frustration and anger. The most common undercurrent in this disconnection is personalizing differences: A certainty that their spouse is acting out against them rather than having a personality and style of behaving which is different and sometimes, incomprehensible.

Individuals fear being steam-rolled and stuck in a state of weakness — powerless to get their needs satisfied. They can often expand their perspective when someone outside the family system helps them take a step back. In therapy, individuals learn to see their partners for who they are, reminded of the lovable traits they once fell in love with as well as given tools for accepting the more challenging quirks which are often overlooked during the high of dating and romance. Therapy focuses on how to tolerate the attributes you would rather do without and how to take care of the needs of both individuals, rather than attempting to change a person’s fundamental way of being. Ultimately when people are not feeling criticized and are understood and valued for who they are, they are much more likely to compromise and give to the other person.

It is always better to seek out help sooner than later. The best part of pain is it usually grabs attention and propels people to get the help that they need. Unattended pain usually continues to worsen over time. Couples lost in their own confusion and battles lash out and sustain wounds that become harder to heal the longer they wait. If you find yourselves just repeating the same things to one another, going round and round without any forward movement, don’t stay stuck hurting each other. Seek an intervention that can help you get unstuck and enjoy one of the most important relationships in your life. 

Help, I Love a 'Holic

People from all walks of life come for help because they love a ‘holic. It doesn’t really matter if the love object is an alcoholic, sexaholic, foodaholic, spendaholic, workaholic, drugaholic...etc.

So often the spouse comes to therapy trying to figure out how best to help the person with the problem. The first order of business in therapy is to acknowledge that two people have a very big problem.

Addiction is insidious, cunning and deadly. Any addiction can kill or lead to dire circumstances. For example, a shopping addiction can lead to out of control debt. Suddenly, the spending addict ends up on the streets, unable to pay the mortgage or can’t get to work since the car was repossessed. Addicts will lie, hide, bully, manipulate, steal and turn whatever issue you have about their behavior back on you. Addicts will undermine your sense of reality, twist and turn stories to make you think that you might just be completely crazy, do virtually anything to make sure they can keep THEIR love object, which, by the way is not their spouse. The first love of any addict is always their addiction. Most partners of addicts still don’t flinch at any of this. They empathize, make excuses and try to understand how to best help the addict so the two of them can live happily ever after. Addicts cause such destruction—so why do their partners seem so intensely focused on helping?

Often addicts have an amazing capacity to connect. They can be experts at tuning in and making people feel special or connected in a way they never have before. They are the greatest charmers around—often looking so good on the outside, perfect mirrors, positive, encouraging, funny, helpful. Usually though, they are only able to maintain these connections for brief periods of time and then resort back to being emotionally unavailable. Much of their time and obsessive thinking is around their addiction.

Their partners, knowing what is possible, keep trying to access the good parts of their loved ones, and avoid the mean addicts who appear more and more as the addiction escalates. The partners hope the addiction will get better over time, but more often it gets worse with awful consequences.

In therapy the partners learn that they are powerless over other people. They can’t make the addict seek treatment and work a 12-step program. Partners have already tried to beg, reason, threaten, and bargain until they realize that they and their children are left in the wake of the addicts' destructive behaviors. They learn that they have to “let go or be dragged” as they say in Al-Anon, a 12-step group for family members of addicts. They hear everyone else in the room talk about their beloved addict, “having so much potential.” They wonder how many times the words, “if only” were spoken in the group. They realize that in an effort to help, certain enabling behaviors actually feed the disease and make it stronger. Al-Anon helps to put the focus back on family members of 'holics, emphasiziing that the only person that can be controlled is oneself. Sometimes people realize that the “love of their lives” was really the “lesson of their lives.” Some people would rather live for the crumbs that they receive from their ‘holic, hoping that one day something will change.

Only if an addict acknowledges a problem and works a recovery program is there hope for change. In any case, life is short, so make sure that you have a life and can be fulfilled no matter what someone else is doing. Often therapy can help with setting boundaries and learning about what keeps you stuck in the patterns and behaviors that you repeat.

Young Women Stuck in Anxiety

Anxious young women file into my office, one after the other. Smart, kind, pretty, talented, high school and college students seek help for debilitating anxiety. Most have been struggling for years by the time they seek help. They hoped they would feel better over time, but more often the anxiety turns to panic. The women come from every kind of family, and have all different personalities. They do however share specific attributes. Most noticeable is the inability to cope with their own feelings while often being keenly aware of others’ reactions and needs.

Usually being high achievers,they will go about the day pushing their own feelings aside, unaware of what is really going on inside themselves. At some point, they might feel like exploding without having any sense of what is wrong. As a consequence, they may experience shaking, a rapid heart beat, stomach aches, sweat, want to hide under the covers, obsess, or just dissolve into a puddle of tears without even knowing why they are so distraught. These young women only know that moments of panic seem to come more often and with more intensity.

Usually there are many forces to culminate the perfect storm of anxiety and depression. Our culture has gone haywire with academic expectations now starting in preschool. Teens learned A’s indicate intelligence and are necessary to eventually be self sufficient with a good job. In therapy the discussion centers around how this all or nothing thinking leads to low self worth and a life out of balance. Any time external factors such as grades define self-worth,the danger of excessive anxiety lurks. Other external factors could include a boyfriend’s comments, a friend’s bad mood, or feeling excluded from the group. When the esteem barometer is on the outside, young women will do whatever it takes to please in an attempt to control, ultimately jeopardizing how she feels about herself.

Unfortunately, the good feelings that come from, say, attaining a good grade, are fleeting because they have no internal, sustainable self love. When one’s self worth is contingent on everything and everyone else, one’s feelings are as unpredictable as the world around them. Feeling good quickly turns when there either is no outside source of esteem to be had, or stumbling blocks present themselves as always happens in real life.

The more these young women search for a way to prove themselves by pleasing others, the more they chip away at their own identity, until they have no idea who they actually are and what they want. They become increasingly more detached from their inner feelings, creating a vicious cycle, which makes them work harder to find outside sources of esteem. Feelings of depression and anxiety ping pong back and forth as they try unsuccessfully to make themselves okay. Often, coping mechanisms meant to self soothe get out of hand. Exercise, alcohol, drugs, shopping, hair pulling, eating disorders, all work for the short term but eventually make the problem at hand worse. It is not until this pattern is broken that they can begin to nurture themselves and grow their own sense of selves which includes knowing their own wants and needs and how to balance them with those of others.

In an effort to turn their focus from outside to inside, a helpful construct is to visualize one’s own inner child. For example, during discomfort, instead of just pushing those uncomfortable feelings away and continuing to do things as usual, young women learn to tune into the little girl inside. Understanding the little girl’s feelings helps her stay conscious and cope. This process knocks her out of her default mode of ignoring feelings. At first this can sound like a Saturday Night Live skit, but accessing one’s own inner adult to help the scared, angry, sad or overwhelmed child within is powerful and easy to remember. For example if the little girl inside feels rebuffed, the inner adult will help her identify the feeling and then might help her leave the situation if that’s what’s best, or coach her to speak up, just as she would help any other little girl. These young women always have ideas on how they could help another little girl or a friend in a similar circumstance. They just have little practice tuning into their own little girls.

Little by little, these young women learn to take care of themselves in all situations, even when it means reigning in the limitless little girl who can’t stop studying, or doesn’t want to pay attention to self care. These skills can be used when addictions have taken over or when any part of life is out of balance. They learn to tolerate angry, disappointed, or guilty hooks from others without getting suckered or guilted in. They learn that they can manage and benefit from putting their own needs first when necessary and when and what to compromise. They ultimately learn that trying to control others to stabilize themselves is futile. This tuning-into-yourself process is an effective way to decrease anxiety and depression while also building a sense of self. The icing on the cake is when they observe how others actually respect them more for responding to their own needs. Rather than allowing themselves to be treated as doormats, they feel the power of a strong self which leads to healthier relationships.